How to Talk to Your Kids About Becoming A Surrogate

The path to becoming a surrogate mother is one full of thought and pause, as you think about the process, the possible complications as well as how you will tell your family. Not all people understand surrogacy, and while surrogacy can be a happy and rewarding experience there are potential challenges and emotional issues that could manifest throughout the journey. Often, one of the biggest challenges a woman can face when it comes to surrogacy is how to tell her own children. I know this was one of my biggest challenges, how do I tell them, what if they don’t understand, and what if they get hurt?

Here is what I found helpful when it came to my journey.

Keeping them involved in the surrogacy process helped them to understand and be excited for it. Talk to them about surrogacy, and what a surrogate mother is, I would suggest doing this before you tell them you have made the decision. Kids who understand a situation are more likely to accept it. Address their questions and concerns, allow them to voice their opinions and tell you how it makes them feel without them having to battle their needs and wants against your own. Because let’s face it most kids don’t like to go against what they feel their mother wants because it will upset her, at least this is the case with my own in most areas of life.

Later on, in the process allow them to have a say in who you help, after all who you choose is going to be a huge part of not only your life but theirs as well over the next year. I narrowed my choices down to three and allowed my children to skype with each couple and make the final decision, this was probably the best thing I did because they are now close with this couple and feel like they have an extended family in another country.

It is important to talk to them in terms they will understand, there is no need to talk to a 4-year-old about infertility issues as they will not understand them, at that age it can be a more magical idea where mommy gets to be the hero of the story. There is also no need to talk to a 13-year-old like they are 4 and do not and cannot understand the process. It is also important to understand your child’s needs, emotions and personalities. Some children are more sensitive then others and will have a hard time accepting that mommy is going to be pregnant and not have a baby, others are going to worry about how the process will affect both you and the family as a whole. Meeting a child at their level is vitally important when it comes to helping them understand and be comfortable with the process.

When all else fails you can always use the babysitter analogy, where as the surrogate you are merely going to babysit the baby until it is big and strong enough for the parents to take it home and love and care for it. This is useful with younger children to help them understand that after the baby is born it will not be living with you. With older children it is easier to explain it to them in terms of one family helping another.

Allow your child their opinion, let them know even if their opinion is different then yours it doesn’t make it wrong just simply different. Children are accustomed to feeling anger, jealousy and both happiness and sadness about the surrogacy journey. Some children may become upset when they realize that the baby will not be staying with you, try not to downplay their feelings when you address their emptions on this topic, you can explain to them that the baby will be with loving and caring parents, and allow them the opportunity to get to know the family the baby will be going to so that they know where the baby is, as it is normal for children to become attached to the baby in a small way. I know my own children still love the updates from our little surrobabe, they look forward to their conversations with the parents and love the little guy to pieces.

Remember that becoming a surrogate impacts the entire family, and you might not all be on the same page. With that being said, surrogacy can be a rewarding journey for all involved in the process including your children. There is always a reward in showing your children the beauty we create when we help one another.