Fresh from the Press

The path to becoming a surrogate mother is one full of thought and pause, as you think about the process, the possible complications as well as how you will tell your family. Not all people understand surrogacy, and while surrogacy can be a happy and rewarding experience there are potential challenges and emotional issues that could manifest throughout the journey. Often, one of the biggest challenges a woman can face when it comes to surrogacy is how to tell her own children. I know this was one of my biggest challenges, how do I tell them, what if they don’t understand, and what if they get hurt?

Here is what I found helpful when it came to my journey.

Keeping them involved in the surrogacy process helped them to understand and be excited for it. Talk to them about surrogacy, and what a surrogate mother is, I would suggest doing this before you tell them you have made the decision. Kids who understand a situation are more likely to accept it. Address their questions and concerns, allow them to voice their opinions and tell you how it makes them feel without them having to battle their needs and wants against your own. Because let’s face it most kids don’t like to go against what they feel their mother wants because it will upset her, at least this is the case with my own in most areas of life.

Later on, in the process allow them to have a say in who you help, after all who you choose is going to be a huge part of not only your life but theirs as well over the next year. I narrowed my choices down to three and allowed my children to skype with each couple and make the final decision, this was probably the best thing I did because they are now close with this couple and feel like they have an extended family in another country.

It is important to talk to them in terms they will understand, there is no need to talk to a 4-year-old about infertility issues as they will not understand them, at that age it can be a more magical idea where mommy gets to be the hero of the story. There is also no need to talk to a 13-year-old like they are 4 and do not and cannot understand the process. It is also important to understand your child’s needs, emotions and personalities. Some children are more sensitive then others and will have a hard time accepting that mommy is going to be pregnant and not have a baby, others are going to worry about how the process will affect both you and the family as a whole. Meeting a child at their level is vitally important when it comes to helping them understand and be comfortable with the process.

When all else fails you can always use the babysitter analogy, where as the surrogate you are merely going to babysit the baby until it is big and strong enough for the parents to take it home and love and care for it. This is useful with younger children to help them understand that after the baby is born it will not be living with you. With older children it is easier to explain it to them in terms of one family helping another.

Allow your child their opinion, let them know even if their opinion is different then yours it doesn’t make it wrong just simply different. Children are accustomed to feeling anger, jealousy and both happiness and sadness about the surrogacy journey. Some children may become upset when they realize that the baby will not be staying with you, try not to downplay their feelings when you address their emptions on this topic, you can explain to them that the baby will be with loving and caring parents, and allow them the opportunity to get to know the family the baby will be going to so that they know where the baby is, as it is normal for children to become attached to the baby in a small way. I know my own children still love the updates from our little surrobabe, they look forward to their conversations with the parents and love the little guy to pieces.

Remember that becoming a surrogate impacts the entire family, and you might not all be on the same page. With that being said, surrogacy can be a rewarding journey for all involved in the process including your children. There is always a reward in showing your children the beauty we create when we help one another.

Surrogacy is a rewarding and fulfilling process both for intended parents and for surrogates. Throughout history infertility has been a prevalent issue, not only in the US but throughout the world. With the startling statistics of 1 in 6 people suffering from infertility it is no wonder we see the rise in both the rate of surrogacy and the advancements in reproductive technology, as well as, in the legal framework to protect all the parties involved.

Every year thousands of intended parents seek the help of a caring and loving surrogates to help them complete their family. While surrogacy has incredible benefits and merits, the process is not without its challenges, complications and risks; it is just my belief that the significant and sweeping benefits of surrogacy substantially outweigh any of the challenges that may arise throughout the process. When considering surrogacy as an option to help complete your family, intended parents should consider both the positive and negative sides of surrogacy to ensure that surrogacy is the right option for them.

For hopeful intended parents the benefits are obvious: surrogacy is the way to help them make the dreams they have for completing their family come true.

1. Success Rate: With all the advancements in IVF and reproductive technology the success rates for surrogacy are extremely high. For Intended parents, it can be comforting to know that approximately 75% of transfers result in pregnancy, that is when all necessary testing and screening is done to ensure both the health of the embryo and the health and ability to become pregnant of the surrogate. The even more comforting number is that 95% of surrogates who become pregnant from transfer go on to have a successful pregnancy.
2. Hope: For many who have spent years in an infertility cycle, unable to conceive, have struggled with many unsuccessful attempts to get pregnant, surrogacy has become an alternative to carry a child and both a hope and answer to their struggle for them to be able to complete their family.
3. Experience: The US has some of the worlds leading experts in reproductive technology and attorneys who are able to navigate both state and international laws regarding surrogacy. These knowledgeable and experienced professionals ensure that intended parents are in the best possible hands to ensure a safe and successful journey.
4. Screening: Surrogates are physically and emotionally screened to ensure the health of the baby through responsible, healthy and qualified surrogates. Both the agencies that intended parents work with and the attorneys that protect their rights as parents ensure that all necessary screening has take place prior to embryo transfer.
5. Genetic Connection: Surrogacy allows for intended parents to have a genetic connection to their child that they would be unable to have through other means of becoming parents.
6. Relationships: Surrogate and intended parent relationships often flourish leading to bonds and lifelong relationships.
7. Legal Protection: The legal framework that is put in place in the early stages of the surrogacy process, prior to transfer, allows for few surprises through the process. The intended parent’s rights as the parents of the child are established well in advance of the baby joining the world.
8. Involvement: Surrogacy ensures that intended parents are involved in the pregnancy and birth at the level they desire to be, this is discussed with the surrogate early on to ensure that the level of involvement is something that both the surrogate and intended parents are comfortable with.
9. Support: The right team of supporting and knowledgeable staff can alleviate both fears and stress and provide confidence throughout the surrogacy process. For most intended parents the surrogacy process is new to them, the process can seem overwhelming and the right support network in place and the right people working for you to ensure a smooth and successful journey can make all the difference.

1. Complicated Process: Surrogacy can be an extremely complicated process and without the right staff helping you navigate the process to ensure that everything is done in the right order and at the right time it can be overwhelming.
2. Financial Burden: The financial expense of surrogacy is a price tag that not everyone can afford, between compensating the surrogate, paying for all the medical procedures and agency support can lead to expenses upward to a hundred thousand dollars, and this is not a cost that many intended parents can incur.
3. No Control: It can be difficult for intended parents at times to accept that the surrogacy journey is completely out of their hands, they are unable to control the process or the journey. They have to trust their doctors, their team and specifically their surrogate with their baby.
4. Complicated Legal System: Laws are not static, they vary from state to state and require and in-depth analysis of the laws and process within which state they will be navigating their journey within. This is where having expert lawyers and teams in place really makes all the difference.

Surrogacy is a journey that should not be taken without proper consideration of both the advantages and disadvantages, as well as, the risks and the rewards. The reasons for becoming a surrogate vary greatly for each individual surrogate, they are deeply personal and often result in more questions from others then answers. For most surrogates there isn’t a greater feeling then giving life to someone else’s family.

1. Community: The relationship forged between surrogates is one that is built upon both respect and trust. Respect, because we understand each other better having a shared set of beliefs and the desire to help others in ways that many think we are crazy for doing. Trust, because we rely on those who have come before us to guide us, support us and love us through the process from matching through post partum. These bonds, these relationships are powerfully uplifting and create strong, unmatchable love and respect for one another that not only see us through surrogacy but become friendships we can take through life with us.
2. Pregnancy: Often as surrogates we find ourselves in a position where we are done having children of our own, our family is complete. And yet, we find ourselves with the desire to be pregnant. Surrogacy allows us to fulfill our pregnancy desires without the responsibility of a newborn and the sleepless nights that come with it.
3. Fulfillment: There is a huge sense of pride and accomplishment for women who complete a surrogacy journey, knowing that they not only helped to create a family, but also that it might not have been possible without them. There is also a huge sense of joy seeing the end result. I know that when I had my surrobabe in 2017 I could feel the love, joy and appreciation from my intended parents and this instilled a send of love and joy in my heart that no feeling on earth has ever competed with.
4. Compensation: The financial reward of surrogacy is often a great reward, allowing surrogates to feel as though they are contributing to their own family through the financial incentives that they receive. This compensation is in place in order to protect the surrogate and compensate them for their time, risk and commitment to the surrogacy process. This amount is set in place to allow the surrogate to feel secure knowing that they are helping their family get ahead financially.
5. Legally Protected: Surrogates are legally protected, the contracts that are set in place before the embryo transfer set out all the terms of the agreement including compensation, pregnancy, delivery and ‘worst case’ scenarios so that the surrogate never has to make decisions they are not comfortable making. These contracts also place the responsibility of the newborn on the intended parents so that the surrogate is not responsible for the baby when it is born.
6. Educate: Being a surrogate is often a chance to educate those around you both of the surrogacy process as well as the overwhelming prevalence of infertility in the world. Surrogacy gives intended parents a way to be genetically connected to their child that they otherwise wouldn’t have.
7. Family: Quite often the relationship between surrogate and intended parents flourish into a state of something similar to an extended family. More often then not, should both the surrogate and the intended parents wish they maintain a close relationship following the birth of surrogate that allows the surrogate to watch the baby grow and be reminded of the strong and selfless woman that they are.

1. Physically Demanding: Surrogacy, like any pregnancy can be extremely physically demanding. Having to attend screenings, interviews, and appointments as well as keep the intended parents in the loop so they know what is going on can be quite exhausting at times.
2. Emotionally Taxing: Surrogacy can be emotionally difficult, as many women find most pregnancies are. Surrogacy, however, has the added aspect where you are not bringing the baby home after delivery. I know during my surrogacy journey this was the part that had me worried, I was uncertain how I would be able to handle giving birth and then going home ‘empty-handed’. But when I watched my intended parents light up as their family was suddenly complete I knew, in that moment I understood and it became the easiest thing I had ever done in my life. This is different for every surrogate, which is why it is so important to have a support network in place should there be any negative emotions following the birth of surrobabe.
3. Time Commitment: The surrogate process can be a huge time commitment, from matching to the initial assessments and screening through transfer, delivery and post partum it is a minimum of a year. During this time, you are asked to refrain from any risky or dangerous behaviour as well as required not to travel outside the bounds of your contract. This is in place to protect both the health of the baby and the surrogate, as traveling can lead to unnecessary risk if going into labour in a state that is not surrogacy friendly or that does not have the proper framework in place for both the surrogate and intended parents.
4. Personal Commitment: Surrogacy is a highly controversial topic, and for many people it is neither understood or accepted. So, when making a commitment to become a surrogate there must be a level of personal dedication because as people begin to learn of your journey it will lead to more questions then praise for your decision. Your friends and family may not accept, understand or support your decision which can be emotionally and mentally hard to go through. The surrogacy community is always there to listen to you and support you when others may fail.